“You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis. You are all singing, all dancing crap of the world.”
― Tyler Durden, Fight Club
You might have heard about identity-based habits. If not, it’s a concept that focuses on changing your habits by shifting your identity.
This approach emphasizes that instead of concentrating solely on goals or outcomes, you should focus on the type of person you want to become.
For example, instead of saying, “I want to run a marathon,” you might say, “I want to become a runner.” Similarly, instead of “I want to lose 20 pounds (9kg),” you could say, “I want to become fit person.”
This subtle but crucial change can support your habits far beyond merely reaching specific outcomes.
Let’s consider someone who wants to lose 20 pounds (9kg). If they are primarily goal-oriented, once they reach their target, they may abandon the habits and activities that helped them get there.
After all, they’ve achieved their desired outcome, so why continue putting in the effort? Their goal was to lose weight, not to become a fit person.
This shift may not happen immediately. Over a few weeks, they might start finding excuses to reduce or eliminate exercise and gradually reintroduce unhealthy food choices until they revert entirely to their previous behavior patterns before starting their fitness journey.
When you adopt an identity-based approach, you’re more likely to stick to the habits that align with it beyond merely reaching specific outcomes, which in this paradigm is just a milestone.
For instance, if you identify as a fit person, you’re more likely to make choices that reflect that identity, such as eating nutritious foods and exercising regularly.
This works because you reinforce positive behaviors that align with who you believe you are. You create a feedback loop: as you engage in habits that reflect your desired identity, it strengthens that identity, making it even easier to maintain those habits over time.
Sounds good so far, but where is the danger?
The danger lies in the rigidity of identity. For that reason, it’s important to keep your identity flexible, avoid strong attachments, and especially refrain from tying your self-worth to it.
People often derive their sense of value and self-worth from their identities, such as their profession, social status, or personal achievements.
However, this can be limiting and potentially harmful if these external factors change or if one faces failure or setbacks.
By identifying as someone who enjoys exercising rather than strictly labeling yourself as an athlete or as someone who enjoys playing an instrument rather than defining yourself solely as a musician, you allow yourself more flexibility and freedom.
This way, you can engage in these activities for the pleasure they bring you without feeling the pressure to meet certain standards or expectations associated with specific labels.
Identifying like this allows for a more inclusive and adaptable perspective. It acknowledges that these activities are part of your life, but it doesn’t confine you to a rigid definition or create unnecessary pressure to perform at a certain level. It leaves room for exploration, growth, and change over time.
I train regularly with weights, and my physique may resemble that of a bodybuilder, but I am not one. I also train in martial arts but I am not a martial artist.
Other people consider me an athlete, but I don’t identify with that label either. For me, that word has a different meaning than the one ascribed to me.
I am simply someone who enjoys engaging in these activities and finds joy in physical exercise and the challenges that arise from it.
I also read a lot but do not identify as a reader. Instead, I see myself as someone who enjoys reading and discovering new things.
This may appear to be a mere play on words or seem like the same thing, but it is not.
These types of identifications can be confining and limiting, as they carry different meanings to ourselves and others who assign us specific labels. And also carry potential risks of attaching our self-worth solely to our identity.
In the past, when I tied my self-worth to my physical appearance, compliments would make me feel good, while comments suggesting that I didn’t look as good as before would make me feel bad.
Even if I got injured, I would persist in training despite the pain to maintain my self-worth through my physical appearance. Eventually, the pain would become unbearable and force me to stop, leading to a decline in conditioning and muscle mass.
Others would notice this and comment on this loss of conditioning. I would interpret it as a negative reflection of my worth due to the attachment I had placed on it.
That is why I continued to train while injured to meet the expectations of others through the self-image I identified with.
I recently stumbled upon the story of Lazar Angelov, a famous fitness influencer who experienced this exact situation.
He identified strongly with his online persona and his physique. When strangers on social media started critiquing his appearance for not looking as good as before, it hit him hard.
For Lazar, fitness wasn’t just a hobby—it was his whole life. He didn’t know anything else.
So, though he lost his conditioning due to pain that prevented him from training, to prove to them and to himself, he pushed through, continuing to train to keep up the image.
The result? Multiple surgeries over the years that left him unable to train or look like he once did.
His pursuit of returning to his previous physical shape at all costs, even to the detriment of his health, reflects his attachment to his appearance as a source of self-worth and his identity.
It’s a stark reminder of the dangers of tying your identity to external validation and the relentless pressure to conform. If you’re curious, check out his cautionary tale:
Not just about self-worth, but not attaching strongly to your identity gives you the flexibility to adapt when life throws curveballs. When you cling too tightly to one identity, you become brittle. Lose that one thing, and you lose yourself.
Take, for example, a professional athlete who defines themselves solely by their sport. If an injury ends their career, they may find themselves lost and without purpose, struggling to cope with their new reality.
Consider a musician who is forced to stop playing due to an injury. Their identity is intertwined with their craft, and losing the ability to perform can lead to a deep sense of loss and confusion.
Or think of someone who identifies exclusively as a vegan. If health issues compel them to change their diet, they might feel a profound sense of betrayal, as if they’ve abandoned a core part of who they are.
In each case, strong identification with a single role can lead to a crisis when that identity is challenged or taken away.
So, what one do in these situations?
The solution lies in both acceptance and redefining oneself.
Seek out the values and lessons learned from previous identities and integrate them into a new self-concept.
Former Tennis Player: I am disciplined and dedicated.
Former Vegan: I am compassionate and mindful in my choices.
Ex-Musician: I am a creative and musical person.
Former Soldier: I am courageous and value teamwork.
Former CEO: I am a strategic thinker and innovator.
Life is uncertain and ever-changing. When it happens, take the time to redefine yourself based on new circumstances. Embrace the opportunity to grow and adapt, allowing your identity to evolve with your experiences.
